• Back away from the forums


    Step away from search engines. Just don’t do it.
    One of the most valuable decisions I made was to not google every concern I had about Phoebe. I mean do you really need the mums of mumsnet who inform you that you are doing it all wrong and that the dribble rash your baby has is all your fault and you should go to your GP immediately as it may be Ebola.
    Whilst there are some really helpful and informative websites that don’t make you feel batshit crazy, there are some public forums that make you wonder if those parents have been snorting calpol.
    I think the theory share not scare got squished to death when keyboard warriors used some of these sites to create a ripple amongst parents.
    If you need advice, go to sites that are made to give just professional advice like the Nhs or babycentre.
    Back away from the forums or that spot on your babies earlobe may end up being a bite from a rare spider that could of come with your bananas via the congo.
    Your intuition is so powerful and whilst your baby knowledge may not be. Go with it and seek wisely.
    Or forever be a quivering paranoid mama who thinks she is doing it all wrong,

    Ali

  • mumsomnia


    When your baby is asleep and you are wide awake:
    Go on facebook and stalk people ✔Actually look at your event invites ✔stalk accounts of people you are not friends with✔ read twitter ✔ Instagram ✔ check on baby ✔ put things in not in the high street basket ✔ watch Gilmour Girls on your phone ✔ google what would I look like with purple hair ✔ join pinterest and pin cakes that only a wizard could make ✔ recheck facebook ✔ write a movie script in your head ✔ sing smelly cat repeatedly in your head ✔ watch youtube videos of kids finding out they are going to be siblings ✔ check on baby ✔ play word with friends ✔ get annoyed when it wont let you play bumhole ✔ open up 20 tabs of recipes ✔search for dream holidays in the carribean ✔ search for Tom Hardy pictures ✔make a business plan to get rich ✔ stalk facebook✔

    Start falling asleep and baby wakes up for a feed ✔✔✔✔✔✔✔✔✔✔✔✔✔✔

  • Baby bag workout


    No time or money to join the gym? A clingy baby who won’t let you do yoga in the garden? Your baby weight getting you down?

    I have the solution. Baby in a bag. Works those core muscles and eliminates those bingo wings.

    Call 1800-ifonlyitwasthateasy for your bag today. Baby not included, terms and conditions apply.

  • 8 Months


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    Hello 8 Months,

    You crept up like my unwanted belly wobble.

    My little chubster is on the move. She has learnt to bum shuffle, backwards crawl and roll to all the places she is not meant to go.

    She tries to pull herself up and has discovered that my ‘handles’ make good well handles.

    Her vocal cords have developed and the noises she loves to scream are starting to make sense.

    Her exorcist imitating has slowed down thankfully. I may owe that to a church visit where she went full blown Regan. It may have left the building. (Fingers crossed)

    My baby seems not a little baby anymore. It’s making me broody….. pah ha ha *puts down the mum juice*

    But she has turned into a proper little person, my wingman.

    Not ready for the next four months, the final count down. I may have to invest in time travel.

    Ali x

     

     

     

     

     

  • Weaning club


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    The first rule of weaning club is we don’t talk about weaning club….. wait wait wrong life.

    I am a mum. All we talk about is weaning.

    But there are 6 rules to this messy, disgusting club.

    1) wear appropriate attire. I always like to dress like I am going to Alton Towers or making meth. I do not like to have pasta lobbed in my face and red handprints attacking my clean dress. (See above photo for recommended attire)

    2) Remove all your carpets. Babies sense nice carpets and food mark them like a cat marking its territory. Just take them away and burn them. Either that or you will be covering your carpets with little rugs to hide the red sauce stains. (Ahh remember the great lasagna lobbing of 2012).

    3) Don’t bother fighting your baby to have control of the spoon. You have more chance of getting your pre baby boobs back. Do use two spoons, that way you can trick them and feed them inbetween them gagging themselves with the wrong end of the spoon.

    4) The healthier the food the more it stains. Tomato based foods become your enemy. You will have an oompa loompa of a baby after a nutritious meal. Just feed them yoghurts. It blends with the paleness of their skin. *yeah but don’t*

    5) Don’t use baby wipes to clean them up, unless you are happy using a whole pack. Just stick them outside and powerhose them. That or a nice warm bath.

    6) Buy a dog. Best kind of hoover out there.

    If you stick to these rules, well it is still gross but at least you won’t end every meal wanting to crawl into the dog basket and weep,

    Ali x

  • 7 months


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    Starts singing “looks like we made it”

    Well hurrah, another month, another milestone reached. Still here to tell the tale and am none the wiser.

    The baby weight has gone. And by gone I mean still here, and by still here I mean it is never leaving me, we are destined to be together forever. *sobs into a teeny weeny slice of Victoria sponge cake*

    People who say sleep is for the weak, need to have a baby. I think they would maybe adjust that saying to ‘sleep is a bloody miracle and oh god I miss it so much’

    My little baby has grown in all directions and is currently sporting the “I eat food but cannot crawl, Stay Puft Ghostbusters look”

    But quite honestly she is just edible looking.

    That is until you meet the I eat real food poos. These poos often wake me up in the morning. Like that feeling of having a tea or a coffee but bleurgh disgusting, I am only feeding you rose petals from now on kind of feeling.

    Her teeth are appearing and her interest in every thing I am doing has reached the ‘I hide things I do not want her to eat whilst I am eating it stage’.

    She occasionally waves and high fives and has learnt to clap…… with her feet. What can I say. She is my child she was bound to be odd.

    The sleep deprivation associated with teething can get in the bin, alongside the nappies but all in all we still like each other and that is an achievement.

    High fives all around,

    Ali x

  • Oh sleep you protest too much


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    I miss the sandman, I miss dreaming, I miss dribbling on my pillow.

    When I became pregnant, my ability to easily sleep, jumped out of the window and ran away.

    Since having Phoebe who is somewhat of a sleep thief, I find myself more and more acting like a character out of a David Lynch script.

    My eye bags look like they have won supermarket sweep and my concealor has become as vital as oxygen.

    I struggle to reduce her night feeds, this girl is not easily tricked and prefers milk whilst sleepy. And as someone who works with children I often give out the advice. Oh the irony.

    I don’t want to be the walking dead, I need energy for this solo voyage I am on.

    I am thankful that she goes to bed at 7 and I get time to myself, otherwise I think we may need to start seeing other people,

    Ali x

     

  • An ode to Phoebe


    My hips, my belly, my bottom have grown.

    You have made my boobs hang low.

    Now when I sleep, I spoon a nappy basket and a spare babygro

    Yet the minute I look at you, what I did before, I do not know.

    I sleep in cycles of please don’t bloody wake.

    And I my bones have still not recovered.

    But when you laugh and smile at me, I forgot all of those aches.

    The poo, the vomit, the wee I have seen

    That hour before bed when I want to throw you in the bin

    Yet when you wake and smile at me, my heart grows a little stronger.

     Every milestone that I see, I feel so very proud

    And suddenly those exhausting moments, become a distant cloud.

    Thank goodness for you, thank god for wine

    For you are my little sweet child of mine,

    Ali x

  • Turning 6 Months


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    So Phoebe is now closer to being one than a newborn. Excuse me whilst I weep at this. I am pretty sure I am not mentally equipped for this baby experience to whizz by this fast.

    Saying that, we are at the point of Phoebe being so utterly fascinated and into everything that I cannot help but really enjoy watching her take this crazy old world in.

    As she has passed the 6 months mark, she has suddenly become a little person. She is no longer just this cute little parasite who thanks you in coos and smiles. She interacts with you and responds. She likes to play games and has started making noises to get my attention. she eats food and eyes up everything that enters my mouth.

    This little person has started to sit up and see the world from a different angle. All these changes are amazing and every day something new happens.

    Things I could live without. Hair pulling. She almost gets this demonic look in her eyes and she takes every opportunity to pull my hair out. Forget tying it up, oh she will find it, like a moth to a flame.

    In fact pulling everything. Necklaces, scarves, beards, you name it. You will be stripped and possibly bleed. Yes she is just exploring but no I do not need my moles removed and I kind of like my hair.

    So as the milestones come thick and fast, I am realising that yes the craziness of motherhood is pretty immense but wow it is precious,

    Ali x

  • Holiday?


    I think we need to come up with a new word for “Holiday”

    If you look up the definition of holiday: It refers to days of rest and recreation…

    Excuse me whilst I pah ha ha all over the computer screen.

    I used to go on holiday, I used to sunbathe all day and drink Pina Colada’s. I used to swim in the pool and read salacious gossip magazines and listen to music.

    Going away with a small one is more like a work trip, a rite of passage. There will be no sunbathing, no cocktails, no flirting with the waiters.

    Instead you are shitting bricks about the bedroom with no black out blinds, and the travel cot that breaks your back. You are cursing because you did not bring enough vests and your small one has taken to crapping up their back.

    That you could of gone away for two nights or three months and still had to take away the same amount of stuff. The stuff that took you two weeks to pack as packing with a small one is a little like torture.

    Sure you have a lovely time and you see things you may not have seen now that you can not lay still for more than ten minutes. You even enjoy yourself and get to have a glass of wine after you have wrestled the small bag of snakes to sleep. *child*

    But Holiday. Nope no siree, not from my experience.

    We need to come up with a new word for it because “Oh my god, I am so exhausted and I am never leaving my black out blinds again, is a little long,

    Ali x